Most of you know, I had the opportunity to go to a women's conference at Gateway Church last week. Let me just tell you, it was AMAZING!! I went to conference expectant and so ready for God to do whatever He wanted in me and my life and I came back with 10 times that!! This season of my life has been a very dry, desert season and it has been hard to keep my head up and my faith strong. To be honest, there were a few times where I just broke down because I couldn't stay strong, but He is always faithful!!
In addition to the powerful worship, amazing speakers and the encouraging testimonies, we had a time of freedom ministry. They gave us some time to go and receive freedom and healing in any area that was in bondage and needed to be released. After some prompting from the Holy Spirit, I finally went to "healing rooms" as they call them. I signed up and they sent me to a "soaking room" where they had worship and communion while we waited to speak with a pastor. As I sat in the corner, writing and praying, a lady came over and laid her hand on me and quietly asked if she could pray for me. I said yes and she began to pray a generic prayer of blessing and encouragement. Then, all of the sudden she began to pray out loud the very words I have been praying for months! As she laid her hands on me I just started crying and she began to pray harder. I couldn't believe that she was praying the exact things that were in my mind and on my heat! Once she was done I thought, "I don't need freedom anymore". (Not really!) Shortly after that my name was called and I walked down the hall with one of the freedom pastors, she took me to quiet room and we sat down across from each other and she asked me what area I needed healing in. As I gave her a very simple and surface answer, she looked at me and began to ask me questions. As she asked me a few simple questions, I could see things beginning to surface. Things I didn't even know were issues. As God began to root out the things that were keeping me from being completely healed, I felt completely exposed to this lady sitting across from me. I felt like I had just laid my whole mess of a life in front of her and she could see it all sitting there in broad day light. Let me tell you right now, I don't like that feeling. I don't like to let anyone know my weakness or short comings. I would prefer to put on a front and appear "put together" on the outside but as the Bible says:
"For nothing is concealed that won’t be revealed, and nothing hidden that won’t be made known and come to light." -Luke 8:17
and God seems to constantly be reminding me of that. As these things began to be exposed, God brought some particular memories to mind. He reminded me of all the times I had been criticized and rejected by others. He reminded me of times even when I was very young and I would get made fun for little reasons but I always took everything that was said about me as truth. I don't ever remember being upset about it or crying over it or letting it get to the point where I would get angry. I always just received everything as truth and started to believe those things about myself. As I got older, obviously I had a warped self-image and it effected my relationships especially with my family. I began to compare myself to everyone around me and I always seemed to fall short of the standards or expectations that I put on myself. I began to believe that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough, nice enough or strong enough. All of these things built up inside me head and as things would happen and I would get a bad grade or have to retake a class or someone decided they didn't want to be my friend, I could always trace it back to some area where I didn't measure up. Let me tell you, that is how the enemy lies to us! I guess I went on with this twisted way of thinking about myself and as I got into college, the criticism and rejection didn't come from others as much as it came from myself!!
Once I was able to get those things out and lay them down, God completely healed me from them...just like that!! How crazy that the things the devil takes YEARS to build up inside of us, Jesus can heal in a few minutes.
God is our healer and if you allow Him, He will heal you from ALL your hurts and pain whether it's emotional or mental or physical or whatever it may be!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Significance of Saturday
Easter is one of my favorite times of the year. When I was younger I LOVED decorating eggs and receiving candy and goodies in my basket. It was another holiday where I got gifts other than Christmas and my birthday!
As I got older, I began to discover the personal meaning of Easter to me and what the significance of this beautiful weekend is. The day that Jesus completely surrendered himself to be beaten and killed for our sin. He became human so he could live and walk on this earth to go through the things we go through so that we can have eternal life through salvation. What an amazing God we serve!
In Matthew we read about when Jesus went to the garden to pray,
He fell facedown and prayed, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.
-Matthew 26:39
He was obviously struggling with what was to come and did not want to go through what he knew would be an awful, painful crucifixion. But He did it anyway, He was obedient to His father and went forward in faith.
One of my favorite songs right now is "Beautiful, Scandalous Night" and the chorus says this:
At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious treeOn that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
We're atoned by His blood and forever washed whiteOn that beautiful, scandalous night
THAT is what Easter is all about, and that is why Easter is my favorite time of the year.
On Good Friday we remember the Last Supper and the act of Jesus surrendering himself to be crucified for us. We remember His body that was sacrificed and His blood that was shed because we are all sinners and couldn't do anything to save ourselves.
On Sunday we celebrate His resurrection, we celebrate His faithfulness and rejoice in the fact that He is alive and living in all of us today.
But what about Saturday? What does Saturday symbolize? I heard Max Lucado say that the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter Sunday symbolizes the time of waiting in anticipation. That place when you have been given a promise from God but you have not seen that promise yet. The waiting season, oh how we all enjoy that! I can definitely say I'm in a waiting season right now and this Easter season has definitely restored my hope. This Saturday is all about clinging to the promises that God has given us and waiting patiently for His timing. Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, He left us with another promise:
And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever. He is the Spirit of truth. The world is unable to receive Him because it doesn’t see Him or know Him. But you do know Him, because He remains with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I am coming to you.
-John 14:16-18
Wherever you are today, whatever your season you are in, go back to His promises. Cling to what you know is true and keep your faith in Him. He is always with you and He will never leave you.
Happy Easter!
As I got older, I began to discover the personal meaning of Easter to me and what the significance of this beautiful weekend is. The day that Jesus completely surrendered himself to be beaten and killed for our sin. He became human so he could live and walk on this earth to go through the things we go through so that we can have eternal life through salvation. What an amazing God we serve!
In Matthew we read about when Jesus went to the garden to pray,
He fell facedown and prayed, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.
-Matthew 26:39
He was obviously struggling with what was to come and did not want to go through what he knew would be an awful, painful crucifixion. But He did it anyway, He was obedient to His father and went forward in faith.
One of my favorite songs right now is "Beautiful, Scandalous Night" and the chorus says this:
At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious treeOn that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
We're atoned by His blood and forever washed whiteOn that beautiful, scandalous night
THAT is what Easter is all about, and that is why Easter is my favorite time of the year.
On Good Friday we remember the Last Supper and the act of Jesus surrendering himself to be crucified for us. We remember His body that was sacrificed and His blood that was shed because we are all sinners and couldn't do anything to save ourselves.
On Sunday we celebrate His resurrection, we celebrate His faithfulness and rejoice in the fact that He is alive and living in all of us today.
But what about Saturday? What does Saturday symbolize? I heard Max Lucado say that the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter Sunday symbolizes the time of waiting in anticipation. That place when you have been given a promise from God but you have not seen that promise yet. The waiting season, oh how we all enjoy that! I can definitely say I'm in a waiting season right now and this Easter season has definitely restored my hope. This Saturday is all about clinging to the promises that God has given us and waiting patiently for His timing. Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, He left us with another promise:
And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever. He is the Spirit of truth. The world is unable to receive Him because it doesn’t see Him or know Him. But you do know Him, because He remains with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I am coming to you.
-John 14:16-18
Wherever you are today, whatever your season you are in, go back to His promises. Cling to what you know is true and keep your faith in Him. He is always with you and He will never leave you.
Happy Easter!
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Not a minute too early or a second too late
As I begin to write this post, I am sitting at Starbucks, tired from working all day, feeling sick and not looking forward to the time changing tomorrow and losing an hour of much needed sleep I hardly get when I work 11 hours a day. I love working in the restaurant industry and I don't think I'll ever work in any other field but days like today make me wonder why I chose this field. Weekends are usually when most people are off of work, spending time with family, shopping, attending sporting events and eating out. You would think that would put most people in a good mood. Not the people that come into my restaurant! For some reason it is during the weekends, especially after church on Sundays, when people are just downright mean! They just want to complain and will find any reason to storm up to the front of the restaurant and demand, "I want to speak with the manager!" After hearing complaint after complaint today and feeling like the harder I worked, the more upset people became I just wanted to give up on being nice. I wanted to give up and trying to help anyone at all, I was just feeling discouraged.
Discouraged is probably the best word to describe how I have been feeling about everything lately. Work in general is just not what it was in DFW, it's literally a different world out here in Lubbock, (I know that sounds dramatic but it's the truth!) I don't even feel like I work for the same company. I just feel defeated, I don't want to try anymore and I have lost most of my enthusiasm for my job. I just feel discouraged.
The past couple of months have just been a dry patch for me and it's hard to remain strong and keep telling myself, "God's got a plan! I'm here for a reason! It's going to get worse before it gets better!" But WHEN?! Hasn't it been long enough yet? How much longer will things go on like this? Well, as God would have it, my reading plan brought me to the book of Numbers today...yes, right in the middle where the Israelites are whining and complaining...ok, God I get it! I just have to laugh sometimes at the way God looks at me and says, "Really?" That's what I imagine him saying anyway because that's probably what I would say.
It's so amazing the way God gives us just an ounce of encouragement at exactly the time we need it, not a minute too early and not a second too late. Just last night as I was laying in bed, a friend wrote me and asked, "How are you doing? Spiritually, I mean, I haven't seen a blog post in a while." God was like, "are you going to stop pouting now?" And if you know me, I didn't, I decided to play the self pity card and whine about my situation. So then I got an email from someone at church that simply encouraged me with the truth that God has placed me here, in Lubbock, TX for a reason and He set me apart long before I was even conceived. She shared this verse:
"I chose you before I formed you in the womb;
I set you apart before you were born.I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
-Jeremiah 1:5
Let me tell you, this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I have been reminding myself that God has a plan and He will bring me through and I have been going back to the promises He made when he moved me here and at the beginning of 2013 but sometimes we just need that little bit of encouragement and He knows exactly when those times are!
So I decided to spend the evening at Starbucks reading in Numbers. As I turned on my Slacker Radio (better than Spotify!) literally EVERY song spoke life and truth over me and gave me the exact words of encouragement I needed!!
Ok, God, you DO have a plan. You ARE working things out. You DID place me here for a reason. And you have NOT forgotten me! I did NOT make a mistake and I STILL trust you!
Then I came to Numbers 11,
"...is the Lord's power limited? You will see whether or not what I have promised will happen to you."
-Numbers 11:23
Now, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with His love. Overwhelmed with His peace and I can rest in His perfect timing. I think that I am going to sleep well tonight, even if it IS an hour less!!
Discouraged is probably the best word to describe how I have been feeling about everything lately. Work in general is just not what it was in DFW, it's literally a different world out here in Lubbock, (I know that sounds dramatic but it's the truth!) I don't even feel like I work for the same company. I just feel defeated, I don't want to try anymore and I have lost most of my enthusiasm for my job. I just feel discouraged.
The past couple of months have just been a dry patch for me and it's hard to remain strong and keep telling myself, "God's got a plan! I'm here for a reason! It's going to get worse before it gets better!" But WHEN?! Hasn't it been long enough yet? How much longer will things go on like this? Well, as God would have it, my reading plan brought me to the book of Numbers today...yes, right in the middle where the Israelites are whining and complaining...ok, God I get it! I just have to laugh sometimes at the way God looks at me and says, "Really?" That's what I imagine him saying anyway because that's probably what I would say.
It's so amazing the way God gives us just an ounce of encouragement at exactly the time we need it, not a minute too early and not a second too late. Just last night as I was laying in bed, a friend wrote me and asked, "How are you doing? Spiritually, I mean, I haven't seen a blog post in a while." God was like, "are you going to stop pouting now?" And if you know me, I didn't, I decided to play the self pity card and whine about my situation. So then I got an email from someone at church that simply encouraged me with the truth that God has placed me here, in Lubbock, TX for a reason and He set me apart long before I was even conceived. She shared this verse:
"I chose you before I formed you in the womb;
I set you apart before you were born.I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
-Jeremiah 1:5
Let me tell you, this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I have been reminding myself that God has a plan and He will bring me through and I have been going back to the promises He made when he moved me here and at the beginning of 2013 but sometimes we just need that little bit of encouragement and He knows exactly when those times are!
So I decided to spend the evening at Starbucks reading in Numbers. As I turned on my Slacker Radio (better than Spotify!) literally EVERY song spoke life and truth over me and gave me the exact words of encouragement I needed!!
Ok, God, you DO have a plan. You ARE working things out. You DID place me here for a reason. And you have NOT forgotten me! I did NOT make a mistake and I STILL trust you!
Then I came to Numbers 11,
"...is the Lord's power limited? You will see whether or not what I have promised will happen to you."
-Numbers 11:23
Now, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with His love. Overwhelmed with His peace and I can rest in His perfect timing. I think that I am going to sleep well tonight, even if it IS an hour less!!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Prisoner to Prime Minister
In December I decided that I wanted to read the Bible in 2013, I was looking through different plans and I decided to read through the chronological plan. I went out and bought a chronological Bible and I started reading January 1. As I have been reading through the Old Testament, my eyes have been opened to so many things that I have never seen before, I have seen some things in a different light and God has been speaking to me through the simplest stories and details. Right now I'm reading Exodus and I'm fighting to keep reading through the details of Moses' sacrifices and the specifications of his "church".
As I read through Genesis last month, my favorite part was Joseph's story. He is such a great example of following God to reach our destiny no matter what tries to stop us. I'm sure most of you know his story but if you don't, read it in Genesis 37-50. I know it's long, but it's a good story!
After Joseph was sold into slavery, he was working in Potiphar's house. When Potiphar's wife tried to seduce him and he fled, she accused him of raping her and he was thrown into prison. He remained in prison with Potiphar's cup bearer and baker. When each of them had a dream they could not figure out what they meant and Joseph was able to interpret them, when his interpretations were correct, the cup bearer and the baker were released from prison. Joseph's one request was, "Remember me! Tell Potiphar I'm here and I can interpret dreams!" And guess what, he forgot all about Joseph as soon as he was outside the prison walls. Joseph remained in prison for two more years. I don't know about you but after being in prison for a few months I would probably pout and blame God and declare my life "over". That's just me though.
During those two years, Joseph was put in charge of all the prison...big whoop! But Joseph continued to serve God faithfully and he ran that prison like a boss! He did it with all of his heart and unto God. And two years later, when Pharoh continued to have weird dreams and his magicians and sorcerers could not interpret them, his cup bearer said "Oh wait! There is this guy in prison who can interpret dreams!" Joseph was then brought to Pharoh and he was able to interpret his dream and Pharoh made him Prime Minister of Egypt! What a turn around!
Looking at this story, it is obvious God had a plan for Joseph's life. Joseph was created with a destiny just like each of us. And unfortunately we live in a fallen world and people are going to recognize that in us and try to hinder us from reaching that destiny. Joseph had 10 brothers that wanted to kill him but instead they sold him to slavery and little did they know, they were helping him get one step closer to his destiny. They Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph to sleep with her but he refused and she falsely accused him of raping her which got him thrown into prison. Little did she know Joseph would be put in charge of the prison where he would develop "management skills" to be able to later be Prime Minister of Egypt. Wow!
How often do we look at our current situation and pout and blame God when we could possibly be one step closer to our destiny!? I know I'm guilty of this way too often and I caught myself doing this as I was reading Joseph's story.
It doesn't matter where we are or how bad our circumstances look, if we faithfully serve God through those circumstances, he will bring us out victorious! God has a plan and a destiny for your life and it can not be touched, altered or messed with as long as you are trusting Him! We serve a great God and He can do more than we could ask or imagine!
"Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us—to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
-Ephesians 3:20-21
As I read through Genesis last month, my favorite part was Joseph's story. He is such a great example of following God to reach our destiny no matter what tries to stop us. I'm sure most of you know his story but if you don't, read it in Genesis 37-50. I know it's long, but it's a good story!
After Joseph was sold into slavery, he was working in Potiphar's house. When Potiphar's wife tried to seduce him and he fled, she accused him of raping her and he was thrown into prison. He remained in prison with Potiphar's cup bearer and baker. When each of them had a dream they could not figure out what they meant and Joseph was able to interpret them, when his interpretations were correct, the cup bearer and the baker were released from prison. Joseph's one request was, "Remember me! Tell Potiphar I'm here and I can interpret dreams!" And guess what, he forgot all about Joseph as soon as he was outside the prison walls. Joseph remained in prison for two more years. I don't know about you but after being in prison for a few months I would probably pout and blame God and declare my life "over". That's just me though.
During those two years, Joseph was put in charge of all the prison...big whoop! But Joseph continued to serve God faithfully and he ran that prison like a boss! He did it with all of his heart and unto God. And two years later, when Pharoh continued to have weird dreams and his magicians and sorcerers could not interpret them, his cup bearer said "Oh wait! There is this guy in prison who can interpret dreams!" Joseph was then brought to Pharoh and he was able to interpret his dream and Pharoh made him Prime Minister of Egypt! What a turn around!
Looking at this story, it is obvious God had a plan for Joseph's life. Joseph was created with a destiny just like each of us. And unfortunately we live in a fallen world and people are going to recognize that in us and try to hinder us from reaching that destiny. Joseph had 10 brothers that wanted to kill him but instead they sold him to slavery and little did they know, they were helping him get one step closer to his destiny. They Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph to sleep with her but he refused and she falsely accused him of raping her which got him thrown into prison. Little did she know Joseph would be put in charge of the prison where he would develop "management skills" to be able to later be Prime Minister of Egypt. Wow!
How often do we look at our current situation and pout and blame God when we could possibly be one step closer to our destiny!? I know I'm guilty of this way too often and I caught myself doing this as I was reading Joseph's story.
It doesn't matter where we are or how bad our circumstances look, if we faithfully serve God through those circumstances, he will bring us out victorious! God has a plan and a destiny for your life and it can not be touched, altered or messed with as long as you are trusting Him! We serve a great God and He can do more than we could ask or imagine!
"Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us—to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
-Ephesians 3:20-21
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Adonai
This is does not rhyme and I'm not a writer, this is simply my heart expressed to my King:
In my loneliest of days, you were near
Though my heart cried for others, you saw every tear
Never once did you leave, you remained close and always faithful
You waited patiently for the day I would turn to you and surrender it all
Never pushing me or forcing me, you gently pursued me
Once I gave you my heart, I was never again the same
Though I said, "Why did I do that again?"
You simply replied, "I also died for that sin."
The more you speak, the deeper in love I fall
You never once fail me, though I fail at it all
You remain true, even when I wander here and there
My trust is in you and you hold my future
My love for you grows everyday and your love for me is greater than I can imagine
I am your priceless pearl, your little girl
And you are my King, the one to whom I cry "Adonai!"
"Remember Your Word to Your servant, for You have given me hope. Your Word has given me new life. This is my comfort in my suffering."
-Psalm 119:49-50
In my loneliest of days, you were near
Though my heart cried for others, you saw every tear
Never once did you leave, you remained close and always faithful
You waited patiently for the day I would turn to you and surrender it all
Never pushing me or forcing me, you gently pursued me
Once I gave you my heart, I was never again the same
Though I said, "Why did I do that again?"
You simply replied, "I also died for that sin."
The more you speak, the deeper in love I fall
You never once fail me, though I fail at it all
You remain true, even when I wander here and there
My trust is in you and you hold my future
My love for you grows everyday and your love for me is greater than I can imagine
I am your priceless pearl, your little girl
And you are my King, the one to whom I cry "Adonai!"
"Remember Your Word to Your servant, for You have given me hope. Your Word has given me new life. This is my comfort in my suffering."
-Psalm 119:49-50
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Joy for Mourning
I've been in Lubbock for 4 months and the impatient part of me is already tired of it. It's not what I expected, life isn't what I expected it to be here. So what do I do? I know the right thing to do, trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, be patient, wait, be still and know He is Lord. Unfortunately, all these things are hard for me to do so it's a struggle, daily.
I know that God moved me here, I know He has a plan and purpose. And we never see that plan unfold in our timing. It is always in His timing which happens to be perfect, so why would we want anything to happen in our timing anyway? It's not easy, but it's always worth it (my new favorite saying).
When I first moved to Dallas, I struggled a lot with loneliness and depression. I had to take two online courses during my first summer after I graduated because I was not informed that I was missing 6 credits until a month before graduation. This was the second thing that threw me off. I'm the type of person that creates a plan in my head, the way I want and think things should play out and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard for me to go with the flow and see what happens. I had been with a guy for a couple years and again, had a picture in head on how it would play out but instead God said, "I have a different plan", I obeyed Him but it did not make me happy. I always told myself, "Once I graduate I want to get out of Cruces! Anywhere but TEXAS!" God said, "How about you follow me to Texas?" Once I moved to Texas, I had a picture in my mind of what kind of church I was looking for and wanted to go to, something small like the church I grew up in where everyone knows everyone and it's easy to meet people. God said, "How about you go to a huge, mega-church where it is really hard to meet new people and you'll actually have to work at it." Don't get me wrong, you all know I LOVE Gateway and would move back in heartbeat just to go to church there but at that point in time, I thought my life had fallen apart. I thought for sure I had missed something, I made a wrong "turn" somewhere and I know I was stuck in TEXAS, SINGLE, without a DIPLOMA, taking summer courses online and attending a HUGE church every Sunday where I felt as insignificant as possible.
My sisters always say I'm a drama queen, I don't know why.
So when I wasn't working, I was in bed crying. Or in the shower crying. Every time I got in the car to drive home, I cried. Everything felt meaningless, I felt meaningless. I remember thinking that if anything ever happened to me, no one would know for days. I had no friends, everyone who cared was so far away and I didn't talk to anyone often enough that they would notice if something had happened. I couldn't control it and sometimes I didn't even know why but the tears kept coming. Other times I would sob and sob for hours before I could fall asleep. It started to become a source of comfort. I felt better if I cried and "let it out". Then one day I was laying in bed and as I crying I realized that this was becoming serious. This probably wasn't okay for me to just cry and be alone all the time. I was depressed. Depressed? Really? I called out to God, I don't remember exactly what I prayed but I basically said, "God, you know me, you know the deepest parts of my heart and you know what is going on here. You can see the big picture and planned everything to happen just the way it is happening. I am not trusting you, I am not relying on you to take care of me. I need your help, I cannot do this. I feel hopeless and weak and weary. Oh God, give me your strength, give me joy. Give me a reason to keep doing this. Wake me up, give joy again. You are going to have to do this because I can't but I know YOU CAN!"
I did not wake up the next morning a changed person, I can't say that I never shed another tear or felt alone again. It was a process and it wasn't an easy one. Every time I wanted to cry, I prayed instead. Every time I felt lonely, I asked God to wash me in His love. I developed a habit of turning to Him every time I started to feel overwhelmed by the devil's lies and misinterpretations. I learned that God is my one and only comforter, after all, if He created my heart then He should know how to love it!
As I walked through this season in my life, God gave me a theme verse:
"...to comfort all who mourn;3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
I know that God moved me here, I know He has a plan and purpose. And we never see that plan unfold in our timing. It is always in His timing which happens to be perfect, so why would we want anything to happen in our timing anyway? It's not easy, but it's always worth it (my new favorite saying).
When I first moved to Dallas, I struggled a lot with loneliness and depression. I had to take two online courses during my first summer after I graduated because I was not informed that I was missing 6 credits until a month before graduation. This was the second thing that threw me off. I'm the type of person that creates a plan in my head, the way I want and think things should play out and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard for me to go with the flow and see what happens. I had been with a guy for a couple years and again, had a picture in head on how it would play out but instead God said, "I have a different plan", I obeyed Him but it did not make me happy. I always told myself, "Once I graduate I want to get out of Cruces! Anywhere but TEXAS!" God said, "How about you follow me to Texas?" Once I moved to Texas, I had a picture in my mind of what kind of church I was looking for and wanted to go to, something small like the church I grew up in where everyone knows everyone and it's easy to meet people. God said, "How about you go to a huge, mega-church where it is really hard to meet new people and you'll actually have to work at it." Don't get me wrong, you all know I LOVE Gateway and would move back in heartbeat just to go to church there but at that point in time, I thought my life had fallen apart. I thought for sure I had missed something, I made a wrong "turn" somewhere and I know I was stuck in TEXAS, SINGLE, without a DIPLOMA, taking summer courses online and attending a HUGE church every Sunday where I felt as insignificant as possible.
My sisters always say I'm a drama queen, I don't know why.
So when I wasn't working, I was in bed crying. Or in the shower crying. Every time I got in the car to drive home, I cried. Everything felt meaningless, I felt meaningless. I remember thinking that if anything ever happened to me, no one would know for days. I had no friends, everyone who cared was so far away and I didn't talk to anyone often enough that they would notice if something had happened. I couldn't control it and sometimes I didn't even know why but the tears kept coming. Other times I would sob and sob for hours before I could fall asleep. It started to become a source of comfort. I felt better if I cried and "let it out". Then one day I was laying in bed and as I crying I realized that this was becoming serious. This probably wasn't okay for me to just cry and be alone all the time. I was depressed. Depressed? Really? I called out to God, I don't remember exactly what I prayed but I basically said, "God, you know me, you know the deepest parts of my heart and you know what is going on here. You can see the big picture and planned everything to happen just the way it is happening. I am not trusting you, I am not relying on you to take care of me. I need your help, I cannot do this. I feel hopeless and weak and weary. Oh God, give me your strength, give me joy. Give me a reason to keep doing this. Wake me up, give joy again. You are going to have to do this because I can't but I know YOU CAN!"
I did not wake up the next morning a changed person, I can't say that I never shed another tear or felt alone again. It was a process and it wasn't an easy one. Every time I wanted to cry, I prayed instead. Every time I felt lonely, I asked God to wash me in His love. I developed a habit of turning to Him every time I started to feel overwhelmed by the devil's lies and misinterpretations. I learned that God is my one and only comforter, after all, if He created my heart then He should know how to love it!
As I walked through this season in my life, God gave me a theme verse:
"...to comfort all who mourn;3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified." -Isaiah 61:2b-3
I am now an "Oak of Righteousness", planted by the Lord that he might be glorified! I know God never gives us more than we can handle even though sometimes we feel like if we take one more step, we will fall apart, I have been there! And sometimes God gives us enough strength to just keep breathing but, we're still here aren't we? You've made it this far and He isn't just going to throw up His hands and say "Ok, now you figure it out from here". He will never leave us or forsake us. This is just another thing He walked through with me that I may be an example of His faithfulness and that He may be glorified.
So, now I'm back to a small town and I have to go to a small church and I have to make friends again, I feel like I'm back at square one. And you know what? It definitely forces me to rely on Him and trust Him. I know He has a plan now just like He did when I moved to Dallas. I cannot see it right now, but He can. So I should probably trust him to call the shots and I'll just follow Him!
I am now an "Oak of Righteousness", planted by the Lord that he might be glorified! I know God never gives us more than we can handle even though sometimes we feel like if we take one more step, we will fall apart, I have been there! And sometimes God gives us enough strength to just keep breathing but, we're still here aren't we? You've made it this far and He isn't just going to throw up His hands and say "Ok, now you figure it out from here". He will never leave us or forsake us. This is just another thing He walked through with me that I may be an example of His faithfulness and that He may be glorified.
So, now I'm back to a small town and I have to go to a small church and I have to make friends again, I feel like I'm back at square one. And you know what? It definitely forces me to rely on Him and trust Him. I know He has a plan now just like He did when I moved to Dallas. I cannot see it right now, but He can. So I should probably trust him to call the shots and I'll just follow Him!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
My timeline vs. His plan
I am the oldest of 4 kids and I have always been the one to set the example and "pave the way" as my mom always put it. I always did things first and naturally my brother and then my sisters would follow. I was the first to learn to drive and get a car, the first to graduate high school then college, the first to get a job, the first to move away, the first to get a boyfriend, etc. As we got older that was no longer the case and at first that was hard for me. I had selfish thoughts like "I'm supposed to be the one to do that first" or "I'm supposed to make my parents proud like that". But I had to quickly learn that just because that's how it was for the first 20 or so years of my life, that doesn't mean that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. God has a specific plan for each of us and doesn't always happen according to our timeline.
I had this picture in my head of how my life would go and exactly when it would all happen and how it would happen. I had an idea of how old I would be when I got married, had kids, etc. Too bad that didn't match up with His plan!
I experienced a little bit of this in my professional life as well, I thought that just because I had worked with the company longer or had more experience in the restaurant industry, I should be in higher position or be getting paid more money. All of this was very humbling for me and I struggled with it for a while. My selfish pride always leads me to a place where I am unhappy and wondering if God had forgotten about the "plan" for my life.
One night, about 8 months ago, as I was laying in bed and feeling very overwhelmed by those feelings of doubt and insecurity, wondering if my life was really going anywhere. I started crying out to God and just asking Him, "God, what are you doing here?". I was feeling particularly frustrated with work and I felt like I was just stuck in this one place and it seemed like I wasn't going to get out or move up. "Why?" "Where are you?" The only thing that bothered me more than the feeling of doubt and wonder was the fact that I was feeling that way. Deep down in my heart I knew God was faithful and I knew He was good. I had seen it in my own life in many ways but just in this one particular circumstance and in this particular time I decided to let my pride take over. And God continued to pursue me and He remained faithful.
The next morning the Lord woke me up at exactly 3:17 a.m., my eyes flung open and He clearly told me, "Good morning! You should read Zephaniah 3:17 and Zechariah 3:7." I hopped out of bed, grabbed my Bible and sat down at my table and read these verses:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17
"This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'If you will walk in my ways and keep my requirement, then you will govern my house and have charge of my courts, and I will give you a place among the standing here." -Zechariah 3:7
Wow! And why did I ever doubt Him? I can't help but laugh, He never ceases to amaze me! The Lord your God is with you...this whole time, even when I was wondering if He was there or what He was doing, HE IS WITH ME. That whole verse just speaks assurance to me but I love the part that says, He will rejoice over you with singing...what a beautiful picture, huh?
And if that wasn't enough, He gave me the verse in Zechariah to speak to me about my professional life, If you will walk in my ways, I will give you a place among the standing here...He makes me smile!
I'm embarrassed to say that I still struggle with this sometimes but I always go back to that place in my journal where He spoke to me about this and I read these verses to remind my that He has NOT forgotten about me or the plan for my life and His timing is perfect.
"...I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." -Jeremiah 29:11
No matter where you are at in your life, God WILL show up and take care of you, bring you back home and fulfill His perfect plan for your life! All you have to do is trust Him with your life and follow His lead, He never disappoints!
I had this picture in my head of how my life would go and exactly when it would all happen and how it would happen. I had an idea of how old I would be when I got married, had kids, etc. Too bad that didn't match up with His plan!
I experienced a little bit of this in my professional life as well, I thought that just because I had worked with the company longer or had more experience in the restaurant industry, I should be in higher position or be getting paid more money. All of this was very humbling for me and I struggled with it for a while. My selfish pride always leads me to a place where I am unhappy and wondering if God had forgotten about the "plan" for my life.
One night, about 8 months ago, as I was laying in bed and feeling very overwhelmed by those feelings of doubt and insecurity, wondering if my life was really going anywhere. I started crying out to God and just asking Him, "God, what are you doing here?". I was feeling particularly frustrated with work and I felt like I was just stuck in this one place and it seemed like I wasn't going to get out or move up. "Why?" "Where are you?" The only thing that bothered me more than the feeling of doubt and wonder was the fact that I was feeling that way. Deep down in my heart I knew God was faithful and I knew He was good. I had seen it in my own life in many ways but just in this one particular circumstance and in this particular time I decided to let my pride take over. And God continued to pursue me and He remained faithful.
The next morning the Lord woke me up at exactly 3:17 a.m., my eyes flung open and He clearly told me, "Good morning! You should read Zephaniah 3:17 and Zechariah 3:7." I hopped out of bed, grabbed my Bible and sat down at my table and read these verses:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17
"This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'If you will walk in my ways and keep my requirement, then you will govern my house and have charge of my courts, and I will give you a place among the standing here." -Zechariah 3:7
Wow! And why did I ever doubt Him? I can't help but laugh, He never ceases to amaze me! The Lord your God is with you...this whole time, even when I was wondering if He was there or what He was doing, HE IS WITH ME. That whole verse just speaks assurance to me but I love the part that says, He will rejoice over you with singing...what a beautiful picture, huh?
And if that wasn't enough, He gave me the verse in Zechariah to speak to me about my professional life, If you will walk in my ways, I will give you a place among the standing here...He makes me smile!
I'm embarrassed to say that I still struggle with this sometimes but I always go back to that place in my journal where He spoke to me about this and I read these verses to remind my that He has NOT forgotten about me or the plan for my life and His timing is perfect.
"...I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." -Jeremiah 29:11
No matter where you are at in your life, God WILL show up and take care of you, bring you back home and fulfill His perfect plan for your life! All you have to do is trust Him with your life and follow His lead, He never disappoints!
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