Joy for Mourning

I've been in Lubbock for 4 months and the impatient part of me is already tired of it.  It's not what I expected, life isn't what I expected it to be here.  So what do I do?  I know the right thing to do, trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, be patient, wait, be still and know He is Lord.  Unfortunately, all these things are hard for me to do so it's a struggle, daily.  
I know that God moved me here, I know He has a plan and purpose.  And we never see that plan unfold in our timing.  It is always in His timing which happens to be perfect, so why would we want anything to happen in our timing anyway?  It's not easy, but it's always worth it (my new favorite saying). 

When I first moved to Dallas, I struggled a lot with loneliness and depression.  I had to take two online courses during my first summer after I graduated because I was not informed that I was missing 6 credits until a month before graduation.  This was the second thing that threw me off.  I'm the type of person that creates a plan in my head, the way I want and think things should play out and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard for me to go with the flow and see what happens.  I had been with a guy for a couple years and again, had a picture in head on how it would play out but instead God said, "I have a different plan", I obeyed Him but it did not make me happy.  I always told myself, "Once I graduate I want to get out of Cruces!  Anywhere but TEXAS!"  God said, "How about you follow me to Texas?"  Once I moved to Texas, I had a picture in my mind of what kind of church I was looking for and wanted to go to, something small like the church I grew up in where everyone knows everyone and it's easy to meet people.  God said, "How about you go to a huge, mega-church where it is really hard to meet new people and you'll actually have to work at it."  Don't get me wrong,  you all know I LOVE Gateway and would move back in heartbeat just to go to church there but at that point in time, I thought my life had fallen apart.  I thought for sure I had missed something, I made a wrong "turn" somewhere and I know I was stuck in TEXAS, SINGLE, without a DIPLOMA, taking summer courses online and attending a HUGE church every Sunday where I felt as insignificant as possible.  

My sisters always say I'm a drama queen, I don't know why. 

So when I wasn't working, I was in bed crying.  Or in the shower crying.  Every time I got in the car to drive home, I cried.  Everything felt meaningless, I felt meaningless.  I remember thinking that if anything ever happened to me, no one would know for days.  I had no friends, everyone who cared was so far away and I didn't talk to anyone often enough that they would notice if something had happened.  I couldn't control it and sometimes I didn't even know why but the tears kept coming.  Other times I would sob and sob for hours before I could fall asleep.  It started to become a source of comfort.  I felt better if I cried and "let it out".  Then one day I was laying in bed and as I crying I realized that this was becoming serious.  This probably wasn't okay for me to just cry and be alone all the time.  I was depressed.  Depressed?  Really?  I called out to God, I don't remember exactly what I prayed but I basically said, "God, you know me, you know the deepest parts of my heart and you know what is going on here.  You can see the big picture and planned everything to happen just the way it is happening.  I am not trusting you, I am not relying on you to take care of me.  I need your help, I cannot do this.  I feel hopeless and weak and weary.  Oh God, give me your strength, give me joy.  Give me a reason to keep doing this.  Wake me up, give joy again.  You are going to have to do this because I can't but I know YOU CAN!"

I did not wake up the next morning a changed person, I can't say that I never shed another tear or felt alone again.  It was a process and it wasn't an easy one.  Every time I wanted to cry, I prayed instead.  Every time I felt lonely, I asked God to wash me in His love.  I developed a habit of turning to Him every time I started to feel overwhelmed by the devil's lies and misinterpretations.  I learned that God is my one and only comforter, after all, if He created my heart then He should know how to love it! 

As I walked through this season in my life, God gave me a theme verse: 
"...to comfort all who mourn;³  to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,the oil of gladness instead of mourning,    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

    the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified."  -Isaiah 61:2b-3

I am now an "Oak of Righteousness", planted by the Lord that he might be glorified!  I know God never gives us more than we can handle even though sometimes we feel like if we take one more step, we will fall apart, I have been there!  And sometimes God gives us enough strength to just keep breathing but, we're still here aren't we?  You've made it this far and He isn't just going to throw up His hands and say "Ok, now you figure it out from here".  He will never leave us or forsake us.  This is just another thing He walked through with me that I may be an example of His faithfulness and that He may be glorified. 

So, now I'm back to a small town and I have to go to a small church and I have to make friends again, I feel like I'm back at square one.  And you know what?  It definitely forces me to rely on Him and trust Him.  I know He has a plan now just like He did when I moved to Dallas.  I cannot see it right now, but He can.  So I should probably trust him to call the shots and I'll just follow Him! 

My timeline vs. His plan

I am the oldest of 4 kids and I have always been the one to set the example and "pave the way" as my mom always put it.  I always did things first and naturally my brother and then my sisters would follow.  I was the first to learn to drive and get a car, the first to graduate high school then college, the first to get a job, the first to move away, the first to get a boyfriend, etc.  As we got older that was no longer the case and at first that was hard for me.  I had selfish thoughts like "I'm supposed to be the one to do that first" or "I'm supposed to make my parents proud like that".  But I had to quickly learn that just because that's how it was for the first 20 or so years of my life, that doesn't mean that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life.  God has a specific plan for each of us and doesn't always happen according to our timeline.
I had this picture in my head of how my life would go and exactly when it would all happen and how it would happen.  I had an idea of how old I would be when I got married, had kids, etc. Too bad that didn't match up with His plan!  
I experienced a little bit of this in my professional life as well, I thought that just because I had worked with the company longer or had more experience in the restaurant industry, I should be in higher position or be getting paid more money.  All of this was very humbling for me and I struggled with it for a while.  My selfish pride always leads me to a place where I am unhappy and wondering if God had forgotten about the "plan" for my life.   
One night, about 8 months ago, as I was laying in bed and feeling very overwhelmed by those feelings of doubt and insecurity, wondering if my life was really going anywhere.  I started crying out to God and just asking Him, "God, what are you doing here?".  I was feeling particularly frustrated with work and I felt like I was just stuck in this one place and it seemed like I wasn't going to get out or move up.  "Why?"  "Where are you?"  The only thing that bothered me more than the feeling of doubt and wonder was the fact that I was feeling that way.  Deep down in my heart I knew God was faithful and I knew He was good.  I had seen it in my own life in many ways but just in this one particular circumstance and in this particular time I decided to let my pride take over.  And God continued to pursue me and He remained faithful.  
The next morning the Lord woke me up at exactly 3:17 a.m., my eyes flung open and He clearly told me, "Good morning!  You should read Zephaniah 3:17 and Zechariah 3:7."  I hopped out of bed, grabbed my Bible and sat down at my table and read these verses: 

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

"This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'If you will walk in my ways and keep my requirement, then you will govern my house and have charge of my courts, and I will give you a place among the standing here."  -Zechariah 3:7

Wow!  And why did I ever doubt Him?  I can't help but laugh, He never ceases to amaze me!  The Lord your God is with you...this whole time, even when I was wondering if He was there or what He was doing, HE IS WITH ME.  That whole verse just speaks assurance to me but I love the part that says, He will rejoice over you with singing...what a beautiful picture, huh?
And if that wasn't enough, He gave me the verse in Zechariah to speak to me about my professional life, If you will walk in my ways, I will give you a place among the standing here...He makes me smile! 
I'm embarrassed to say that I still struggle with this sometimes but I always go back to that place in my journal where He spoke to me about this and I read these verses to remind my that He has NOT forgotten about me or the plan for my life and His timing is perfect.  

"...I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."  -Jeremiah 29:11

No matter where you are at in your life, God WILL show up and take care of you, bring you back home and fulfill His perfect plan for your life!  All you have to do is trust Him with your life and follow His lead, He never disappoints! 

Life Begins And Ends With Him

The first time I had my heart broken I was laying on a cold hospital bed as the doctor pulled out my dead baby.  I was dizzy from the pain and I couldn't stop crying.  I still remember that day so clearly, March 11, 2007.  I had waited in the ER waiting room for 5 hours as the pain increased, I couldn't stand or sit and sometimes it was so hard to breathe.  I didn't want to believe what I knew was happening.  I didn't want a baby but the fact was that I was pregnant and I had grown to love the fact that I was going to be a mom.  No, it wasn't ideal circumstances but it was reality and I knew that I had let everyone down around me but I couldn't change that.  I made my decision, I messed up and I was going to make the best of it from then on.  It was going to be ok, it wasn't the end of the world and not even the end of my life.  I knew it was a big responsibility but that's what I got for making the decisions I made.  It became real when I got my first ultrasound.  I smiled when the technician showed me the tiny bit of movement inside my womb.  All I could think about was my baby and what it would look like and how I would grow to love it as it grew inside of me.  I had a small group of friends that surrounded me with love and advice.  I began reading online and in books of what to do and what not to do.  I was so careful to take care of myself from the moment I found out, I took vitamins, ate healthy and got plenty of sleep.  Week after week I read about what stage my baby was at and what it looked like.  Eight weeks went by and one Sunday afternoon I was at work and started having really sharp pains.  Once I couldn't ignore them any longer I left work and checked myself into the ER...all alone.

I stared at the lights above me and prayed it would be over soon.  When I saw the nurse take the pieces of flesh and blood that once made up my tiny baby I cried even more.  I was wheeled back into my room where my friend met me and she held my hand and told me it would all be ok.  It wasn't going to be ok.  I just lost my first baby.  Something must be wrong with my body and I can't develop a baby.  Something is wrong with me, it's not going to be ok.  I was released a couple hours later and I went home and went to bed.  I was numb from the emotional and physical pain.  It hurt so much that I didn't feel anything (if that makes sense).  I got under my covers and wanted to go to sleep for the rest of my life.

I woke up the next morning and it hit me harder than ever before.  It is such a painful feeling, I can't even explain it.  The only way I know to describe is that it truly feels like a part of you is dead.  I just felt incomplete, lost, sad and so alone.  No one could understand how I felt even if I explained it.  I cried every time I saw a child or a baby.  Every time I walked past the baby section in a store.  Every time I saw a pregnant mother.  All the time!   That's when I realized what heartbreak felt like.  When what was supposed to be my due date came around, I didn't want to leave my room or see anyone or talk to anyone.  I don't think I was really "ok" until about a year after it happened.  I told myself I never wanted to get pregnant again.   I didn't want to risk going through all that over again!  I couldn't bear the fact of losing another baby.  Obviously, I was years away from that but I didn't care, it was never going to happen again.  I felt as though I was half a woman, like I was incomplete.  How could I not be able to do the one thing women were placed on this earth to do?  What kind of a woman can't carry a baby??

It wasn't until year later when I finally decided to surrender my life, hurts, fears and all to God and give Him control.  I had tried on my own and that obviously always led to pain.  God is so gracious and merciful and He began to show me my true identity and who I am in Him (if you haven't read that post, read it: http://rachelpelzel.blog.com/2012/08/14/identity-pricless-pearl/ ).  I began to realize that I can't let my past define me.  I can't go on living my life dragging along my hurts and fears from my past.  This was a big turning point in my life.  It was still hard and I constantly have to remind myself that the past is the past and the only thing I can change is my future.

On November 29, 2011 I wrote this in my journal:                                                                                                                                                                                        Matthew 2:18-"... Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."  As I read this verse, it jumped out at me and said THIS IS YOU!  Weeping and refusing to be comforted.  I'm not allowing God to heal me from my miscarriages.   I'm not completely healed in that area and it's because I'm holding on to it so tightly and not allowing God to heal me.  I don't know why, but I must realize this is not my time.  This is my season of learning and growing, just me and Jesus.  I must make the best out of this...God you are good!  

Then on December 6, 2011:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       God is saying: "I'm making beautiful things out of your heartbreak.  Stop believing these lies that are keeping you from moving on.  I have called you to be a spiritual mother to many.  Many will come to you for comfort and guidance and wisdom.  I had to call your children home very early, it's all part of my plan.  Please trust me regardless of how you feel and let me comfort you.  I'm holding you, dear Rachel.  My precious princess, I love you so much and all I want is for you to look for your needs to be met in me alone.  Trust me, I've got you, baby girl.  I love you."

No matter what you are going through or have gone through, God wants to be your comforter.  He wants you to look to Him to meet all your needs.  Believe me, it is so worth it!  He created us, so He knows us better than anyone else and He knows exactly how to comfort us.  He loves you so, so much!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."  -2 Corinthians 1:3-5

He has a plan for everything and we don't always know why things happen the way they do but all we can do is trust Him and look to him to take us through the storm of life and believe that He will make something beautiful out of it!

I've seen days where it seems like my nights won't end.
Every dream that I had has been lost in the wind.
But Your words brought me back to the truth.
Life begins and will end with You.

As I stand in the eye of the storm, 
It's Your love that keeps guiding me home.

I felt the fear as I stood before the giant.
3 stones trembling in my hand.
And in the end not a whisper from the army.
No one believing this was in Your plan.

If You're with me, who can be against me?
I have no reason to fear
If You're with me, who can be against me?
I know You're keeping me near.

-Group 1 Crew "Fearless"

Beauty That Lasts

As I left work today, it started pouring rain. I literally live 7 minutes from work and I thought I could make it home before the storm got worse...7 minutes turned into 20 and as raindrops fell hard against my windshield, I drove slowly down the road trying to make out the scene around me. There was lightning and thunder and the only thing I thought was "My poor puppies are probably so scared!", I finally made it home only to discover the electricity was out! As I laid in my dark, somewhat hot, apartment I thought of all the things I needed to do and how much of an inconvenience this was on my evening! When the rain finally stopped I decided to go run a couple errands and as I was driving I noticed the most beautiful skyline and a rainbow hidden in the clouds...A reminder that God always keeps His promises.

God then brought a particular promise to mind...
A little over a year ago I was listening to Kari Jobe in my quiet time and I was meditating on the lyrics to her song, "Beautiful". The chorus says:


Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You're beautiful to me  

I began to sing these words over and over and just express to the Lord how beautiful He was to me.  And then I thought, 'beautiful'?  Most commonly, beautiful is a word used to describe something that is physically attractive, but I have never physically seen God.  But I HAVE seen His works and His hand upon my life and I've heard His voice and I know His character and His love for me...that's what makes Him beautiful to me.  Personality, character and actions are far more beautiful than anything physical, physical things never last.  I smiled at this thought and told Him again how beautiful He was and began to write down my thoughts, then He said: "Rachel, this is how I see you", tears!  Streaming down my face!  Lots of them!  As I wrote down what He was telling me, I began to realize how my heavenly father saw me and it wasn't exactly how I saw myself.  This was another turning point in my identity and it changed the way I saw myself and what I thought of myself.

As I gazed in awe of the rainbow today, I decided to pull out my journal and read everything I wrote that evening and something jumped out at me.  Something else He told me that night was that my future husband would be able to see me the way God sees me.  At first I thought, why did I write that?  Why did he say THAT to me?  But today I realized why.  

I'm not in a relationship and I haven't been for a while but over the past 3 years or so I have kind of been developing a fear of marriage.  Only because I am constantly surrounded by people who's marriages didn't work, who 'fell out of love', who 'lost their connection, their spark' and for some reason they just aren't enough for each other anymore.  I see people who are either divorced or staying in a lifeless marriage, both seem miserable.  That is what I'm scared of!   Marriage is a lifetime commitment and I'm scared that I won't be enough for some person to want to make a life long promise and actually work at keeping that promise.  BUT, my future husband will see me through God's eyes!  Our God is constant, He is the same in the past, present and future.  That is more than a lifetime.  And if my future husband can see the things God sees, I will always be enough! 

We are God's perfect bride, He chose us and He will always love us with an unconditional love.  To me, there is nothing more beautiful than that!  I have to constantly remind myself that the God of the universe, my heavenly father, looks down on me and calls me beautiful, He says I'm enough.  That's worth more to me than what I see in the mirror and it will last longer, too!!!  

My darling, you are so beautiful!
Oh, you are beautiful!

-Song of Solomon 4:1

It's kind of funny how one minute I'm driving in this storm and not one hour later, I was gazing at His beauty in the sky!  He makes all things beautiful!  And no matter what kind of storm you have been through or if you're in one right now!  He can turn it around in an instant and make it something beautiful!  This song by Gungor is a great reminder of this: 

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

He is jealous for me

"He loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy." -John Mark McMillan

Think about this for a second.  I can't listen to this song without being overwhelmed.  I have heard this song so many times and sang it in church hundreds of times but I heard it again last night as I was reading and God just embraced me with his loving arms and all I could do was cry as I soaked in his goodness and faithfulness.

He loves like a hurricane, now I don't know about you but when I think of love I think of red hearts and fluffy teddy bears and yummy coffee! I do not think of a hurricane! But God's love is like a hurricane! And yo know what, it isn't always warm and fuzzy but it's REAL! I read a little bit about this song and John Mark McMillan says: "This song is a celebration of a God who would want to hang with us through difficult and messy things, who would want to be a part of our lives through those things, and, despite who we are, He would want to be a part of us."

A little over a year ago I read this book titled "Lies Women Believe and the truth that sets them free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. (If you are a woman out there and you haven't read this book...go get it..now!)  It is an amazing and powerful book that talks about every lie that we as women tend to believe and how it hinders us and blinds us and prevents us from being all we were created to be.  I got it out again last night and I'm going to read it again.  One part talks about the lie we believe that God doesn't really love us.  DeMoss explains how we, as women, are led by emotions and feelings.  All of us at some point have been let down, rejected and disappointed.  Whether it was a family member, friend, husband or boyfriend.  Each of us have experienced that feeling of rejection by that person who was supposed to be the person that loved us and that person that we wanted to receive that sense of security from.  So, the devil says, "Hey, if God is supposed to be your LOVING father and you are supposed to find SECURITY in Him, how is that going to be any different than your past experiences?"  And we believe it!  We think that we have to EARN His love and when we mess up, He wont love us anymore.  We think that in order to receive forgiveness of our sin there must be a list of things we have to do and a period of time before we can go back to Him and after it's happened three times, He must really be sick and tired of me and not want anything to do with me!

This is the furthest idea from the truth!  It's a lie from the enemy and this is not who God is at all! DeMoss says in her book, "The truth is, God does love us.  Whether or not we feel loved, regardless of what we have done or where we have come from, He loves us with an infinite, incomprehensible love."

Back to the picture of the tree bending in the hurricane, we've all seen something like this whether in real life or on TV.  But we'e seen that tree completely overtaken and controlled by the wind of the hurricane.  Bending almost to the ground and completely vulnerable, this is us under God's love.  It's not always pretty but it's real and He is always there.  As McMillan said, even through the messy, ugly stuff in life, God still loves us and  His love never changes despite our circumstances or our actions.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. -Hebrews 13:8

The Bible tells us that God has loved us since before time began, before the creation of the world and before we were even conceived, He loved us and He loves us with that same love today and He will love you with that same love tomorrow and next month and next year, no matter what you do.  I remember the first time I actually realized what God's love was like and that it had nothing to do with what I had done or could ever do.  He spoke to me through this song:

WHO AM I 

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

-Casting Crowns

Until we realize that nothing we ever do can make our God love us any more or any less, we will not fully comprehend how great God's love is for us.  "Melana Monroe was battling breast cancer and after her double mastectomy she thought her husband would never love her the same: As we wept and trembled when he took my bandages off the first time, I was so ugly, scarred and bald.  I was in intense grief that I could never be a whole wife to him again.  Steve held me tightly and with tears in his eyes said, "Melana, I love you because that's who I am."  I instantly recognized Christ in my husband.  As His bride, we are also eaten up with cancer--sin-- and are scarred, mutilated and ugly but He loves us because that is who He is.  No comeliness in us draws Christ's attention; it is only His essence that draws Him to us." (Excerpt from Lies Women Believe and the truth that sets them free by DeMoss)

We will never completely understand why or how God loves us so much.  Our earthly bodies and minds can't fully comprehend heavenly things but sometimes we just have to cling to the truth that He gave us in His word, He loves us with an everlasting love and nothing can ever change that.

BEAUTY for ASHES

Moving to Lubbock and being in a new place and not knowing anyone has brought memories of the first time I made a huge move away from home and my friends.  I was already at a place in my life where EVERYTHING was changing.  I had just left a long-term relationship, re-dedicated my life to God, moved back home, graduated college and got a "grown-up" job.  Talk about stress!!! And on top of all that, I was moving over 700 miles away to a place I had never been.  It was exciting at first, of course!  I thought, "I'm officially an adult".  I was completely on my own and had all the independence I could ever want...that lasted exactly 3 days...then I cried.  I cried myself to sleep almost every night for months, I was so overwhelmed and stressed and just sad.  At that point I was still struggling with so much pain and sadness from recent struggles and things that I had gone through that were just so overwhelming for me.  The thing was, I knew that I was led by God to Dallas and that I was exactly where He wanted me at the point but I still struggled with pain from my past.  It was a hard, long few months and I didn't really know what to do.  I just felt so overwhelmed and I felt better when I could just lay in bed and cry.

Finally, one evening as I was laying in bed and just crying and praying, I told God that I couldn't do it anymore and that I needed Him to take this sadness and pain because I could not bear it.  Now, I wish I could say that the next morning I woke up and I was a changed person, but I wasn't.  It was a process of constantly surrendering to Him and giving Him my struggles and pain.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."  -1 Peter 5:6-7

I had actually experienced the meaning of this verse in 1 Peter and learned what it means to actually give Him my struggles and fears so that He can "exalt" me.  In other words, so that He can pick me up off the floor and give me an unexplainable joy that is a testimony to Him.

"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."  -Isaiah 61:2b-3

As I was coming out of this season and growing in Him, the biggest question I always had was "Why?".  I know obviously I had made some bad choices that led to pain and struggle.  But, why?  Why couldn't He have turned the situation around before I went through some of the things I went through.  Why did it have to go that far and why did it have to hurt that bad?  Why did the wounds have to be that deep that I felt at times that it would never go away?  One of my favorite songs by Matthew West is called "Strong Enough" and part of it says:

"You must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through, well forgive me if I'm wrong but this looks like more than I can do on my own...Well maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up, cause when I'm finally at rock bottom, that's when I start looking up and reaching out...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, so I don't have to be strong enough.

Through all of this, I have learned so much and I have grown a lot.  God has revealed to me and shown me so much that I have never seen or realized before.  First, He has showed me that I can never do anything on my own, that I need Him every moment of everyday and that with Him I can do ANYTHING.  He has showed me that when I find joy in Him, that is my strength to make it through the hard times and the struggles.  And lastly, He answered all my "why" questions with this verse: 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."                                -2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Our God is so big and so good that He has so many reasons for everything and works in mysterious ways.  We will NEVER know exactly why something happens or why we are going through what we are going through but the good news is that He wants to comfort us thorough it and then He wants us to to comfort others through similar things so we can spread His love and be a testimony to Him.  This verse was enough for me to realize that even IF the only reason I went through the struggles and pain that I went through was to some day comfort someone else through the same thing and it would bring glory to my father and bring one more person closer to Him, that would be ok with me!!

I hear this quote all the time and I love it: "GOD NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE EASY, BUT HE SAID IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!"  This sums it up perfectly, because it isn't easy, it's a struggle but looking back, it was SO WORTH IT!  I'm where I am today because of it all.  When I look back on it all, I see that God was right there with me the entire time, I was just so wrapped up in selfishness to see it.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

-MATT REDMAN

Now that I have traded my ashes for BEAUTY and my mourning for JOY, I can be all He has called me to be and do all He has called me to do and walk with Him each day, a walking testimony of His goodness and faithfulness. 

"Amazing" is the only word to describe it!

I just got back from a very short trip to Lubbock.  I flew out there yesterday morning to look for a place to live and move into by Monday...no pressure!  This was my first time ever being in Lubbock and I had no idea where to look or what to look for.  Since I just moved 3 weeks ago, I was less than motivated to even think about all the stress and work that goes into moving.  While I was on the plane I opened up the notepad on my phone and started reading over notes and thoughts I jot down every now and then.  I came across a note from April 27, 2012: "I hear God saying-you are about to embark on a new journey, you are about to make a transition into a new season and it will be so much fun!"  This was just more confirmation for me that God is at work here, He has it all planned out! Man! You guys, He is SO GOOD, I can't get over it!  This gave me more peace about all the things I had to do.  I silently prayed: "You are in control, Lord, please take this burden from me, take control.  I trust in your plan!

After a long day of driving all around Lubbock and looking at every apartment I passed by, I was getting so discouraged.  My big issues were: W/D connections and allowing pets.  For some reason, Lubbock either doesn't allow pets or they make it financially impossible for you to have a pet!  I was seriously thinking I was going to have to send my boys to live with my parents for a while...while I do my laundry at the laundry mat!! That evening I decided to try visiting a church that was near my hotel.  When I got there I immediately realized that I'm going to have to get used to going to a small church that is NOTHING like my church in Dallas.  As I was in worship, it seemed like every word of every song was speaking directly to me!! Every song was about trusting God and believing in Him to work things out.  Oh my gosh!! Tears were rolling down m face the entire time as 8 other people and I worshipped in this small sanctuary.  God was telling me that He was going to provide and take care of me and that I don't have to worry.  And He was also showing me that I don't have to be at Gateway Church to worship Him.  He is as much God in Lubbock as He is in Dallas.  He prepared me for this, you guys!! I can't even put it all into words, He is just AMAZING!

So, what do I do? I start the next day in doubt of course! Ugh, my heart is so ugly without Him!!  I didn't want to drive around and look for apartments, I didn't want to talk to people who were spitting out outrageous numbers that I was going to have to pay to have my kids live with me!  I didn't want to look at one more dirty, disgusting bathroom.  I wanted to give up.  Finally, we went to lunch and I went into the bathroom and said "God, I am going to find the perfect place you have for me and you will reveal it to me and confirm that it is the place you have for me, Amen! After lunch, we decided to look at one more place before I had to get back to the airport and if this place wasn't it, I was going to settle for the first place I looked at which didn't make me happy.

We got to the address and it was not a huge complex, maybe about 12 apartments all put together like duplexes.  THIS WAS IT!! I could feel it. I had two options: a one bedroom without w/d connections that will be ready by the time I move to Lubbock or a 2 bedroom with w/d connections that will be ready 3 days later, "I'm going to have to settle" I thought. God was like, "Umm...no you're not!"  I was thinking. what am I going to do with my stuff for 3 days while I'm working and can't move into my apartment?!  "I'll have it ready" is what He told me.  And what did I think? "How?"  HOW?? How is the the God of the universe who has proven Himself to me time and time again going to prove himself another time?  How is He going to work out this small detail when He has already worked out the larger details?  What is my problem?  Why do I doubt everything?  His grace and mercy is just so amazing and I can't believe that He still loves me and still blesses me. So, I got the 2 bedroom, they said will be ready by the 1st, I gotta be at work in Lubbock on the 29th, what am I going to do??  TRUST HIM!!  He keeps telling me, "It'll all be ready, it will work out."  So, I'm trusting Him, I'm going to do my part and let Him do His...what a concept!  He's amazing!

I will make this place your home...

When I first started working for Jason's deli I had big hopes and dreams of moving up and advancing quickly.  I told God I wanted to be a GM in 3 years from when I got out of training (August 2010).  I worked hard and really thought I could do it.  And a year went by...nothing.  I lost a little motivation and circumstances led me to believe that maybe I should choose another profession or go back to being a server or quit my job and go back to school.  Anything that would get me out of this plateau that I felt like was never going to change. I love Jason's deli, it is a GREAT company to work for...it was just that I felt like that was it, as good as it was going get, as far as I could go and I was getting frustrated.  I wanted to move up, I wanted to see progress and success.  And God knew all of this, I never gave up talking to Him about it!   Six more months went by... still nothing.

It was New Year's and as I sat around my parents dining room table with friends and family, we all shared our prayer requests with each other for the coming year.  When it came my turn, "A transfer, a promotion or a new job!" was my exact answer. Less than two months later I was transferred to another location.  I was not happy.  But that's what I wanted, right?  That's what I prayed for?  It was hard adjusting to a different store and a completely new staff that I didn't know.  I hated going to work for about 2 weeks.  Then one night I completely surrendered it to the Lord and I kid you not, the next day it was like a completely different place.  I enjoyed it, the staff and I got along, I laughed and enjoyed working and I felt comfortable in my new environment. Two months went by and I was bored again.  The same thing day after day, I'm in the same position and I don't see any promotion in the new future.  Man, waiting is so hard!! And God knows I'm one of the most impatient people on this earth.  I remember having a conversation with an old friend a few weeks ago and they were just asking how life was going and what was new.  They asked about work and I explained my frustration and just that I was waiting for something to come up.  They asked if I have a boyfriend and I explained that God has not brought along Prince Charming yet but I'm just waiting.  And they kinds laughed and said "You're just waiting for everything, aren't you?"  I didn't find it very funny but I thought, I have been in this season of waiting for a long time now!

We go through seasons in life just like seasons in the weather.  And sometimes they last a while and sometimes they aren't very long at all.  And in each season God is teaching or revealing something to us.  I know sometimes I want to hurry up and move on when all He wants is for me to wait on Him and learn to trust Him and be patient.  That is something He has obviously been teaching me lately and it's a hard thing for me to learn.  I love seeing the pieces come together as He works and reveals just one more part of the big picture.  He amazes me more and more and I can't help but fall apart in His presence and just sit in awe of Him.

Three more months go by...Friday morning I was at work and my District Manager came  in and offered me a promotion.  He told me that I would have to move to Lubbock, we discussed a few more details and I asked him if I could take the weekend to think about it and get back to him on Monday.  He said, "I need an answer in 2 hours." Ok then, 2 hours it is!!  I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, mostly excitement, that I could not focus on anything.  I called my dad and he did some quick research on Lubbock, meanwhile I'm trying to work and process all these things in my mind.  "God, what do I do?  Is this it?  Is this what I've been praying for?  Is it time for me to move on?"  With some many things going through my mind, I just felt His peace settle deep in my heart and I knew this was it.  I called my DM and accepted his offer and he said, "Great! We'll get you moved in about 10 days!"  All I could do was laugh, all that time I spent waiting is going to catch up with me and I gotta be ready to hit the ground running!!

So, I'm moving to Lubbock.  I'm going to pick up and leave this little life I've established for myself and start all over again.  I'm one step away from pursuing my big dream of having my own deli and I'm one step closer to the destiny God has for me.  Today God gave me the word "Home".  I feel like He's telling me that this is going to be my home. This is where I'm going to settle for good.   And as long as I'm with HIM, that's perfectly fine with me!

"Hold on to me as we go. As we roll down this unfamiliar road. And although this wave is stringing us along, just know you’re not alone. Cause I’m gonna make this place your home." -Phillip Phillips

This is a song God gave to me today as He was speaking to me about "Home":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCVGCICiToM

I love you all, thanks for reading!

Identity: Pricless Pearl

About a year ago I got involved in a mentor program through my church.  It was one of the best things I have done.  My mentor was amazing and she challenged me to grow in my faith and my relationship with God and I grew so much in those 9 months.

I will never forget one of the first exercises we did was on identity.  Of course I read in the Bible that we are all sons and daughters of God because He adopts us into His kingdom.  I always read on keychains and bookmarks that 'Jesus loves me' so it had to be true.  But this one thing that really opened my eyes and helped me to see things more clearer.  My mentor told me to take a piece of paper and write some words that describe how I see myself and then pray and ask God how he sees me and to write those words down.  That night I went home and as I sat on my bed, I took out a piece of paper and started to think about how I saw myself.  I began to write: Broken, bruised, scarred, ashamed, shy, quiet, afraid, not good enough, not strong enough.  Then I closed me eyes and asked to God to reveal to me how He sees me.  Then I began to write: Precious daughter, beautiful in His sight, "Little Lamb", washed clean, forgiven and set free.  As tears began to roll down my cheeks, I looked at both lists, they were complete opposites!  And for each word I had, He had one to cancel it! "Little Lamb" stood out to me because that is the meaning of the name RACHEL and when I picture a little lamb I picture a pure, white lamb.  And when he gave me 'washed clean', He gave me Psalms 32:1-2 Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

As I just soaked in His love and His presence that evening, I began to see myself in a whole new way.  I had a new identity and I knew exactly who I was in Christ and no one could ever take that away from me.

A few months later, God was just reminding me of who I was and speaking to me more about my identity.  I remember I was at a retreat and I can't tell you the speaker or what the message was about but God just whispered to me, "You are a priceless pearl."  If you don't know how pearls are made, it actually pretty amazing.  Pearls are formed when something gets inside a clam (usually a grain of sand) and as a defense mechanism the clam releases a fluid to coat the irritant.  It will layer it and layer it with this fluid until it becomes a pearl.  Of course we've seen many different shapes and sizes and colors of pearls but only about 5% of pearls are perfect, quality pearls.  This really settled in my heart and kind of became my theme for my life and my identity in Him.

Therefore, it is the name of my new blog!

I love you all and HE loves you more than you'll ever know!!