Life Begins And Ends With Him

The first time I had my heart broken I was laying on a cold hospital bed as the doctor pulled out my dead baby.  I was dizzy from the pain and I couldn't stop crying.  I still remember that day so clearly, March 11, 2007.  I had waited in the ER waiting room for 5 hours as the pain increased, I couldn't stand or sit and sometimes it was so hard to breathe.  I didn't want to believe what I knew was happening.  I didn't want a baby but the fact was that I was pregnant and I had grown to love the fact that I was going to be a mom.  No, it wasn't ideal circumstances but it was reality and I knew that I had let everyone down around me but I couldn't change that.  I made my decision, I messed up and I was going to make the best of it from then on.  It was going to be ok, it wasn't the end of the world and not even the end of my life.  I knew it was a big responsibility but that's what I got for making the decisions I made.  It became real when I got my first ultrasound.  I smiled when the technician showed me the tiny bit of movement inside my womb.  All I could think about was my baby and what it would look like and how I would grow to love it as it grew inside of me.  I had a small group of friends that surrounded me with love and advice.  I began reading online and in books of what to do and what not to do.  I was so careful to take care of myself from the moment I found out, I took vitamins, ate healthy and got plenty of sleep.  Week after week I read about what stage my baby was at and what it looked like.  Eight weeks went by and one Sunday afternoon I was at work and started having really sharp pains.  Once I couldn't ignore them any longer I left work and checked myself into the ER...all alone.

I stared at the lights above me and prayed it would be over soon.  When I saw the nurse take the pieces of flesh and blood that once made up my tiny baby I cried even more.  I was wheeled back into my room where my friend met me and she held my hand and told me it would all be ok.  It wasn't going to be ok.  I just lost my first baby.  Something must be wrong with my body and I can't develop a baby.  Something is wrong with me, it's not going to be ok.  I was released a couple hours later and I went home and went to bed.  I was numb from the emotional and physical pain.  It hurt so much that I didn't feel anything (if that makes sense).  I got under my covers and wanted to go to sleep for the rest of my life.

I woke up the next morning and it hit me harder than ever before.  It is such a painful feeling, I can't even explain it.  The only way I know to describe is that it truly feels like a part of you is dead.  I just felt incomplete, lost, sad and so alone.  No one could understand how I felt even if I explained it.  I cried every time I saw a child or a baby.  Every time I walked past the baby section in a store.  Every time I saw a pregnant mother.  All the time!   That's when I realized what heartbreak felt like.  When what was supposed to be my due date came around, I didn't want to leave my room or see anyone or talk to anyone.  I don't think I was really "ok" until about a year after it happened.  I told myself I never wanted to get pregnant again.   I didn't want to risk going through all that over again!  I couldn't bear the fact of losing another baby.  Obviously, I was years away from that but I didn't care, it was never going to happen again.  I felt as though I was half a woman, like I was incomplete.  How could I not be able to do the one thing women were placed on this earth to do?  What kind of a woman can't carry a baby??

It wasn't until year later when I finally decided to surrender my life, hurts, fears and all to God and give Him control.  I had tried on my own and that obviously always led to pain.  God is so gracious and merciful and He began to show me my true identity and who I am in Him (if you haven't read that post, read it: http://rachelpelzel.blog.com/2012/08/14/identity-pricless-pearl/ ).  I began to realize that I can't let my past define me.  I can't go on living my life dragging along my hurts and fears from my past.  This was a big turning point in my life.  It was still hard and I constantly have to remind myself that the past is the past and the only thing I can change is my future.

On November 29, 2011 I wrote this in my journal:                                                                                                                                                                                        Matthew 2:18-"... Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."  As I read this verse, it jumped out at me and said THIS IS YOU!  Weeping and refusing to be comforted.  I'm not allowing God to heal me from my miscarriages.   I'm not completely healed in that area and it's because I'm holding on to it so tightly and not allowing God to heal me.  I don't know why, but I must realize this is not my time.  This is my season of learning and growing, just me and Jesus.  I must make the best out of this...God you are good!  

Then on December 6, 2011:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       God is saying: "I'm making beautiful things out of your heartbreak.  Stop believing these lies that are keeping you from moving on.  I have called you to be a spiritual mother to many.  Many will come to you for comfort and guidance and wisdom.  I had to call your children home very early, it's all part of my plan.  Please trust me regardless of how you feel and let me comfort you.  I'm holding you, dear Rachel.  My precious princess, I love you so much and all I want is for you to look for your needs to be met in me alone.  Trust me, I've got you, baby girl.  I love you."

No matter what you are going through or have gone through, God wants to be your comforter.  He wants you to look to Him to meet all your needs.  Believe me, it is so worth it!  He created us, so He knows us better than anyone else and He knows exactly how to comfort us.  He loves you so, so much!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."  -2 Corinthians 1:3-5

He has a plan for everything and we don't always know why things happen the way they do but all we can do is trust Him and look to him to take us through the storm of life and believe that He will make something beautiful out of it!

I've seen days where it seems like my nights won't end.
Every dream that I had has been lost in the wind.
But Your words brought me back to the truth.
Life begins and will end with You.

As I stand in the eye of the storm, 
It's Your love that keeps guiding me home.

I felt the fear as I stood before the giant.
3 stones trembling in my hand.
And in the end not a whisper from the army.
No one believing this was in Your plan.

If You're with me, who can be against me?
I have no reason to fear
If You're with me, who can be against me?
I know You're keeping me near.

-Group 1 Crew "Fearless"