It's not good...

I had a very different upbringing than most of the kids I hung around when I was growing up.  Somehow that always stood out to them and gave them a reason to make fun of me.  I remember when I was really young, I was made fun of by a particular group of friends quite often.  I don't know that I ever expressed that it hurt me.  I don't ever remember crying about it or even telling anyone about it.  As I got older, it never really stopped and I developed this idea in my head that emotions were a sign of weakness and I never wanted to appear weak to anyone, ever.  I decided that if I never showed any emotion then I looked like the "tough guy" and nothing bothered me.  The more I acted like nothing bothered me, the more I would get ridiculed, the more I would push my emotions aside and the more I appeared like a cold person who didn't care about anything.
God has been revealing this to me in the past year as I have continued to struggle in this area with people around me.  It has become this vicious cycle of reacting to rejection by pretending it does not bother me, acting like nothing effects me which I think a lot of the time causes an even worse scenario because people are just trying to get a rise out of me so they push more and more.
As I have looked back over the years, this has followed me around everywhere I go, ever since I was in middle school and it only seems to get worse.  I never wanted to let anyone know that I need help, I didn't want anyone to know that they hurt me, I always had the attitude of "I'm a big girl, I can do this on my own, I don't need any help."  Obviously this attitude has taken me nowhere in my social life.
Not only does this effect the people around me but it also effects my relationship with God.  Our God is a relational God and we were created in His image, therefore He created us to be relational.  We were created to need Him, depend on Him, love Him and serve Him.  A lot of times I have addressed issues in my life with an attitude of, "I will stop doing X right now and just pray or read my Bible when I'm tempted to do it again."  God wants us to go to Him, lay our burdens down and ask Him to give us His peace and strength to face any and all situations.

Cast your burden on the Lord,
and He will sustain you;He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.  
-Psalms 55:22


But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

If we allow Christ to work in our weaknesses and give us strength to face our situations, His glory will shine through that and we will be a testimony of His power and grace--and that is how he uses us to reach out to others.  

God also created us to walk through life with others.  To lean on each other when we are struggling, ask for help when pain is too much to bear and encourage others when they are going through their own struggles.  This has become another downfall of mine--"I don't need anyone's help and no one should need my help."  The Holy Spirit has been convicting me of this so much in the past few months and it is such a hard thing for me to face.  
Almost four years ago I walked away from a romantic relationship that was hurting me more than it was helping me.  God had finally won the 3 year battle I had with Him and I dropped everything and re-committed my life to Him.  For about a year and a half after that, I was pretty depressed about the whole thing.  I knew I was doing the right thing but it still hurt.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, I didn't want anyone to help me, I just wanted to be alone.  Do you think I'm a bit stubborn?  I was determined to get over it on my own, no matter how many nights I cried myself to sleep or how often I sat alone somewhere feeling lonely and depressed.  I got to the point where being alone was a comfort for me.  I would rather be alone anywhere than having to share my thoughts, feelings and opinions with others.  Over this past year, I have not reached out as much as I when I was DFW, I have slowly been holding myself back from people more and more.  And the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of these things little by little, the way He does until today.  The message at church this morning was titled: "Not Alone".  The pastor read this scripture-

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper as his complement.”  -Genesis 2:18

As God was creating everything He always said "it is good".  Everything He created was good, until He realized Adam was alone, then He said "It is not good..."  God knows it's not good for us to be alone, to go through life alone.  It's not good.  We were created to be in relationship with others.  

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  -Acts 2:42, 46&47

Obviously God does not want us to walk through this life alone.  We were created with a longing to be connected to others.  And no matter how much I try to ignore that, He always wins.  I am so glad that I serve a gracious God who continues to work in me because I am a sinner who continually needs saving!