I know that God moved me here, I know He has a plan and purpose. And we never see that plan unfold in our timing. It is always in His timing which happens to be perfect, so why would we want anything to happen in our timing anyway? It's not easy, but it's always worth it (my new favorite saying).
When I first moved to Dallas, I struggled a lot with loneliness and depression. I had to take two online courses during my first summer after I graduated because I was not informed that I was missing 6 credits until a month before graduation. This was the second thing that threw me off. I'm the type of person that creates a plan in my head, the way I want and think things should play out and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard for me to go with the flow and see what happens. I had been with a guy for a couple years and again, had a picture in head on how it would play out but instead God said, "I have a different plan", I obeyed Him but it did not make me happy. I always told myself, "Once I graduate I want to get out of Cruces! Anywhere but TEXAS!" God said, "How about you follow me to Texas?" Once I moved to Texas, I had a picture in my mind of what kind of church I was looking for and wanted to go to, something small like the church I grew up in where everyone knows everyone and it's easy to meet people. God said, "How about you go to a huge, mega-church where it is really hard to meet new people and you'll actually have to work at it." Don't get me wrong, you all know I LOVE Gateway and would move back in heartbeat just to go to church there but at that point in time, I thought my life had fallen apart. I thought for sure I had missed something, I made a wrong "turn" somewhere and I know I was stuck in TEXAS, SINGLE, without a DIPLOMA, taking summer courses online and attending a HUGE church every Sunday where I felt as insignificant as possible.
My sisters always say I'm a drama queen, I don't know why.
So when I wasn't working, I was in bed crying. Or in the shower crying. Every time I got in the car to drive home, I cried. Everything felt meaningless, I felt meaningless. I remember thinking that if anything ever happened to me, no one would know for days. I had no friends, everyone who cared was so far away and I didn't talk to anyone often enough that they would notice if something had happened. I couldn't control it and sometimes I didn't even know why but the tears kept coming. Other times I would sob and sob for hours before I could fall asleep. It started to become a source of comfort. I felt better if I cried and "let it out". Then one day I was laying in bed and as I crying I realized that this was becoming serious. This probably wasn't okay for me to just cry and be alone all the time. I was depressed. Depressed? Really? I called out to God, I don't remember exactly what I prayed but I basically said, "God, you know me, you know the deepest parts of my heart and you know what is going on here. You can see the big picture and planned everything to happen just the way it is happening. I am not trusting you, I am not relying on you to take care of me. I need your help, I cannot do this. I feel hopeless and weak and weary. Oh God, give me your strength, give me joy. Give me a reason to keep doing this. Wake me up, give joy again. You are going to have to do this because I can't but I know YOU CAN!"
I did not wake up the next morning a changed person, I can't say that I never shed another tear or felt alone again. It was a process and it wasn't an easy one. Every time I wanted to cry, I prayed instead. Every time I felt lonely, I asked God to wash me in His love. I developed a habit of turning to Him every time I started to feel overwhelmed by the devil's lies and misinterpretations. I learned that God is my one and only comforter, after all, if He created my heart then He should know how to love it!
As I walked through this season in my life, God gave me a theme verse:
"...to comfort all who mourn;3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified." -Isaiah 61:2b-3
I am now an "Oak of Righteousness", planted by the Lord that he might be glorified! I know God never gives us more than we can handle even though sometimes we feel like if we take one more step, we will fall apart, I have been there! And sometimes God gives us enough strength to just keep breathing but, we're still here aren't we? You've made it this far and He isn't just going to throw up His hands and say "Ok, now you figure it out from here". He will never leave us or forsake us. This is just another thing He walked through with me that I may be an example of His faithfulness and that He may be glorified.
So, now I'm back to a small town and I have to go to a small church and I have to make friends again, I feel like I'm back at square one. And you know what? It definitely forces me to rely on Him and trust Him. I know He has a plan now just like He did when I moved to Dallas. I cannot see it right now, but He can. So I should probably trust him to call the shots and I'll just follow Him!
I am now an "Oak of Righteousness", planted by the Lord that he might be glorified! I know God never gives us more than we can handle even though sometimes we feel like if we take one more step, we will fall apart, I have been there! And sometimes God gives us enough strength to just keep breathing but, we're still here aren't we? You've made it this far and He isn't just going to throw up His hands and say "Ok, now you figure it out from here". He will never leave us or forsake us. This is just another thing He walked through with me that I may be an example of His faithfulness and that He may be glorified.
So, now I'm back to a small town and I have to go to a small church and I have to make friends again, I feel like I'm back at square one. And you know what? It definitely forces me to rely on Him and trust Him. I know He has a plan now just like He did when I moved to Dallas. I cannot see it right now, but He can. So I should probably trust him to call the shots and I'll just follow Him!
